FINCON11: Meet Kyle the Douchebag

Fri, Oct 7, 2011

blogging, career, fincon11, random, spending

Me and Kyle. Used with his consent.


Picture this: It’s the last night of FINCON11. We’re partying at John Barleycorn courtesy of Ramit Sethi. I go onto the balcony in the freezing temperatures for a smoke break and to take off my super cute (AKA uncomfortable) shoes for a minute. Jana from Daily Money Shot graciously agrees to come with me even though she doesn’t smoke.

This guy comes up and says, “This is rude, but do you mind if I borrow a cigarette?”

Borrow? What, so you’re going to bring it back later? Smokers are so silly.

I give him a cigarette, and he says, “I’m not trying to hook up with you or anything. I just think it would be nice if we became friends and talked. You wouldn’t want to hook up with me because I’m a douchebag.”

Jana and I are cracking up at this point because it’s obvious we are talking to one super drunk dude. Who spills my drink on my bare feet five minutes later as he tells his life story.

Meet Kyle

Here are a few things you should know about Kyle:

  • He got a DUI a few months ago, which (according to him) cost $10,000 in fines.
  • He’s into distribution (Rick Ross, anyone?) and something to do with janitorial supplies.
  • He says he makes a ton of money.
  • He feels he has to drink to be social, and that’s the only way he can make business contacts.
  • He’s a douchebag, which he defines as only being interested in women who are taken. So yeah, I agree with him.
  • His family relationships are damaged because of his drinking.

Round Two

After Kyle dumped my drink, I decided I was done with the conversation. However, the second time I went outside, he came back and started talking again.

I told Kyle I write about money on the internet and asked if he had any financial advice to share with my readers.

His response: “You need to make lots of money. Don’t drive drunk because it costs a lot. And don’t be a douchebag.”

Considering the fact that he couldn’t count to 5 at the time, I thought that was pretty good.

Oh, and he spilled a SECOND drink, this time on my shoes. When I told him he owed me a new drink, he stumbled back into the restaurant and disappeared. Goodbye, Kyle.

Why should you care?

There isn’t really a point to this story; I just think it’s hilarious.

I do find it interesting that even a falling-down drunk guy can impart some wisdom.

You need to make lots of money. Is money everything? Of course not. But if you can’t pay your bills, life isn’t very much fun. So find something you enjoy that pays well.

Don’t drive drunk because it costs a lot. Not to mention the fact that YOU COULD KILL SOMEONE. But I think the bigger point here is to stop throwing away money on stupid stuff.

Don’t be a douchebag. Obviously something about it was working for Kyle, or else he wouldn’t have repeated it 300 times. But it’s generally a bad idea to take things that don’t belong to you. If you’re unhappy with your behavior, you need to change it.

So that’s the story of Kyle. I’m almost finished telling FINCON11 stories, but this one was too funny not to share.

Edit: Apparently many of you know a “Kyle” - share your stories in the comments!

36 Responses to “FINCON11: Meet Kyle the Douchebag”

  1. Jesort415 says:

    I am a loyal lurking who had to come out of lurk mode for 2 reasons. 1) The story is hilarious! Back in my clubbing/bar days I too have encountered my fair share of "Kyles" and it makes me blush/sick to my stomach that I thought that was cute! 2) Maybe I have read it wrong but when you describe yourself, you don't do yourself justice, you're way prettier than expected :-)

    • Whoa, thanks for delurking and for the compliment! That's very nice of you to say.

      I wonder if that self-deprecating "I'm a douchebag" stuff is supposed to make girls feel sorry for him so they'll sleep with him. I didn't have to worry about it - I'm not his type since I'm not in a relationship! :)

  2. Bryan says:

    That is a hilarious story!  I hope to be a part of the drink-spilling fun next year. :)

  3. Erin Branscom says:

    LMAO! What an idiot! I am SO anti drunk driving. He is lucky you were there and not me. I would have locked him in the janitors closet. Punk! lol

  4. Jana @ Daily Money S says:

    I think this is one of my favorite stories from the whole conference. I personally loved when he spilled the drink on you and just had the look on his face like "Hmm. How did that happen?"

    This was just slightly better than the mafia shuttle driver. 

  5. Romeo says:

    Whew, I've been trying for forever to comment. The Disqus was apparently very iffy.  Any way, great story. It's too bad I didn't get to talk with him. I can imagine this happening as I read it. I was never that guy to get publicly drunk. And that $10,000. True. The in-car Breathalyzer that's required to start your car, if ordered to have it, cost over $5000 itself.   

  6. Jeff says:

    Should try to crop him out thats one of the best pics Ive seen of you yet (in the short few weeks Ive known you) :)

  7. Jackie says:

    That's hilarious. How long did you talk to him? That's quite a lot of information you got from a drunk guy. 

  8. Travis Pizel says:

    I've been waiting for this post, and you delivered as expected!  I feel kind of bad, as the second drink got spilled as he reached out for a handshake when you were introducing me to him.  Although it seems rather fitting that a guy would spill a drink as he's being introduced as "douchebag," doesn't it?

    I kind of feel like *I* owe you the drink.  I'll pony up at FINCON12.

  9. Buck Inspire says:

    Cool story and nice pic!  Even a drunk guy has good advice about money.  Haha, what does that say about the sober ones who are clueless.  Thanks for sharing!

  10. hereverycentcounts says:

    Fascinating story of your new douchbag friend from fincon. That party was strange with a giant room full of personal finance bloggers getting increasingly more intoxicated and a bunch of other random smaller parties. :) I have to agree w/ the "don't get a DUI" story… I got one a few months ago (I've been covering the insanity of it on my blog) and so far have paid $3k in lawyer fees, expect a $2k fine plus class fees for drunk driving classes, and then there's the increase in car insurance which I hear will be a lot. I'm budgeting $10k all things said and done, so that sounds about right.

    • It just amazes me how different it is from state to state. I used to teach DUI classes, and a first offense was under $1k for the fine and $240 for twelve weeks of classes. Of course it went up exponentially with subsequent DUIs but he said it was his first. *shrug*

      • hereverycentcounts says:

        I actually am not sure what the fine will be — I'll find out very soon. I know there are plea bargins where your fine can be less if you do more community service work. I'll certainly be posting about the details of how much this is costing me on my blog. The biggest cost is that for my lawyer ($3,000) which may or may not actually help me in the long run. There are a lot of lawyers out there that promise the same results for a lot cheaper… which might have been the better option in hindsight. That said, I've been able to not miss work for most of the hearings so far, as my lawyer could go and represent me. I pretty much assume the worst in terms of what I'll have to pay right now… and I'm not looking forward to the classes. I don't even know how I'm going to do the classes with my work travel schedule. Meanwhile, I barely ever drink, I know I made a stupid mistake, and I'm never going to do it again. The classes are going to be the worst.

        • I've been following along on your blog - I'm glad you're going to keep us updated! I could have very easily been in your situations SEVERAL times in my life, so I can imagine how hard it is. Usually you think of people who get DUIs as hardcore alcoholics, but it's definitely not always the case. I'll be crossing my fingers for you!

  11. Andrea says:

    Wish I was there! Haha thanks for sharing

  12. 142ddd says:

    Kyle is right about the cost of a DUI. They don't come cheap. I have many and I'm not proud to admit friends who have DUIs, sadly some with 2nd offenses and why they didn't learn the first time is beyond me. Not only does a DUI cost a lot but it can def. ruin you in your career. One friend was a mechanic and I say was because he was fired and had his certificate ripped from him after he got a DUI. Therefore costing him a few grand in DUI charges and 2 years worth of schooling that ended up costing him 26,000.00. So before getting into the driver seat after a few drinks consider this ^

    • This is a perfect example of why I insist on a DD, even if I've only had one drink. I would be immediately fired from my job for a DUI and could lose my license (to practice, not my driver's license - though I could lose both). Not worth it!

  13. Darwin's Money says:

    He could be a reality star now!  You've made him famous!  New saying of 2011 - don't be a douchebag.  Great stuff!

  14. SB @ One cent at a t says:

    Oh you look good Andrea :)  

  15. Jen @ Master the Art says:

    Thanks Andrea; I really needed a good laugh. :-)

  16. mbhunter says:

    "I think the bigger point here is to stop throwing away money on stupid stuff."

    Like cigarettes?


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